1. Holy shit, this motherfucker looks cool. I think I found my next tattoo. I just have to find an artist that specializes in skeletons, flames, and jorts.
So, the good doctor here, was a member of an elite tobbacconists club in Gotham. Wait, an elite tobbacconist? So did they have a real Native American stand outside the door instead of a wooden one? Anyway, this cigar shop-smelling dude somehow ended up getting blasted with radioactive phosphorus particles after jumping behind some sandbags to shield himself from an exploding nuclear reactor. You know what? Don’t ask. This shit happens all the time in comics and it’s not important. What matters is that the motherfucker is all Ghost Rider now and he can spit fire and radiation all over the goddamn place. He’s Doctor Phosphorus! Don’t fuck with him. Don’t even look at him! Fuck! You’re blind now. 
This dude fucked around with Batman for a while, until the dark knight figured out if he cut off the guys exposure to oxygen, it would put him out, Then he shipped his ass to arkham. Later Starman went a few rounds with the old doc and ended up getting terminal cancer. Shit! Anyway this pisses off Starman who shoves his cosmic rod up Phosphorus’ ass and that’s how that ended. 
This is the second badass in a row featured here, and I’m only saying that purely because of character design. Otherwise the dude has a sloppy and played origin story and no motivation to kick ass besides being all pissed that his dick is burned off and he’s on fire and stuff.

    Holy shit, this motherfucker looks cool. I think I found my next tattoo. I just have to find an artist that specializes in skeletons, flames, and jorts.

    So, the good doctor here, was a member of an elite tobbacconists club in Gotham. Wait, an elite tobbacconist? So did they have a real Native American stand outside the door instead of a wooden one? Anyway, this cigar shop-smelling dude somehow ended up getting blasted with radioactive phosphorus particles after jumping behind some sandbags to shield himself from an exploding nuclear reactor. You know what? Don’t ask. This shit happens all the time in comics and it’s not important. What matters is that the motherfucker is all Ghost Rider now and he can spit fire and radiation all over the goddamn place. He’s Doctor Phosphorus! Don’t fuck with him. Don’t even look at him! Fuck! You’re blind now.

    This dude fucked around with Batman for a while, until the dark knight figured out if he cut off the guys exposure to oxygen, it would put him out, Then he shipped his ass to arkham. Later Starman went a few rounds with the old doc and ended up getting terminal cancer. Shit! Anyway this pisses off Starman who shoves his cosmic rod up Phosphorus’ ass and that’s how that ended.

    This is the second badass in a row featured here, and I’m only saying that purely because of character design. Otherwise the dude has a sloppy and played origin story and no motivation to kick ass besides being all pissed that his dick is burned off and he’s on fire and stuff.

    1 year ago  /  5 notes

  2. Every once and a while, I like to take a break from making fun of the plethora of shitty DC characters and appreciate the rare badass they had to offer. Now, take a look at Valoric, the Viking Commando. This motherfucker is a time-traveling viking, who fucks shit up no matter what century he’s in. Dude was the last man standing in a battle against the fucking Huns, way back in the day. After a brutal battle, and countless kills, Valoric fell, and was to be wisked off to Valhalla, by some nordic angel. But, too goddamn bad, cause this dude doesn’t die easy and this pisses Odin off, because you can’t let the living into viking paradise. They cast him into the middle of fucking d-day, figuring the nazis would make short work of the dude, and then they could claim him in the afterlife. Good plan, until the Viking Commando just fucking wastes an entire german squad. Some yanks run up on the battle and see what a badass this dude is, and recruit him to fight with the Allied forces. You can imagine how the rest goes. The Viking runs into battle with an axe and a machine gun and murders the fuck out of every kraut he gets his hands on, inspired because the americans are calling them huns; the very same bastards he almost died fighting centuries before. Valoric becomes a war hero and goes on to live the rest of a long, awesome life, much to the dismay of the nordic god, Odin gnashing his teeth because he let such an awesome dude get away. As with the previously featured badass, Blackjak, there is no wikipedia entry available for this one.

    Every once and a while, I like to take a break from making fun of the plethora of shitty DC characters and appreciate the rare badass they had to offer. Now, take a look at Valoric, the Viking Commando. This motherfucker is a time-traveling viking, who fucks shit up no matter what century he’s in. Dude was the last man standing in a battle against the fucking Huns, way back in the day. After a brutal battle, and countless kills, Valoric fell, and was to be wisked off to Valhalla, by some nordic angel. But, too goddamn bad, cause this dude doesn’t die easy and this pisses Odin off, because you can’t let the living into viking paradise. They cast him into the middle of fucking d-day, figuring the nazis would make short work of the dude, and then they could claim him in the afterlife. Good plan, until the Viking Commando just fucking wastes an entire german squad. Some yanks run up on the battle and see what a badass this dude is, and recruit him to fight with the Allied forces. You can imagine how the rest goes. The Viking runs into battle with an axe and a machine gun and murders the fuck out of every kraut he gets his hands on, inspired because the americans are calling them huns; the very same bastards he almost died fighting centuries before. Valoric becomes a war hero and goes on to live the rest of a long, awesome life, much to the dismay of the nordic god, Odin gnashing his teeth because he let such an awesome dude get away.
    As with the previously featured badass, Blackjak, there is no wikipedia entry available for this one.

    1 year ago  /  7 notes

  3. So, today i’m dropping a triple threat of the most simply/poorly named DC characters I’ve seen so far. First up is Crime Doctor. He’s another addition to the growing collection of shitty Batman villains. So, this dude doesn’t have any powers. He’s just a doctor. Seriously. Fucking med school is expensive, so he started treating criminals and mobsters. You’ve seen enough movies, you know how this works. At some point, he throws the Hippocratic Oath out the window, and straight up becomes a master torturer (Are we sure he’s not a dentist! Hey-o! Sorry. I’m sorry.) I guess he went with “Crime Doctor” because it was only a part time gig, and he didn’t see the point in giving his alter ego a decent name. But you’d think that once the dude had been doing this for 20 fucking years, he would get a better handle. The medical pun based names are endless and I’m not going to bore you by rattling any off. Fuck it, come up with a better name for Crime Doctor and I’ll send you my duplicate copy of Who’s Who in the DC Universe Apr. 85 Automan thru Blackhawk plane/island and also containing the very 1st character featured here, Big Sir, as well as a shitload of Batman characters.

    So, today i’m dropping a triple threat of the most simply/poorly named DC characters I’ve seen so far. First up is Crime Doctor. He’s another addition to the growing collection of shitty Batman villains. So, this dude doesn’t have any powers. He’s just a doctor. Seriously. Fucking med school is expensive, so he started treating criminals and mobsters. You’ve seen enough movies, you know how this works. At some point, he throws the Hippocratic Oath out the window, and straight up becomes a master torturer (Are we sure he’s not a dentist! Hey-o! Sorry. I’m sorry.) I guess he went with “Crime Doctor” because it was only a part time gig, and he didn’t see the point in giving his alter ego a decent name. But you’d think that once the dude had been doing this for 20 fucking years, he would get a better handle. The medical pun based names are endless and I’m not going to bore you by rattling any off. Fuck it, come up with a better name for Crime Doctor and I’ll send you my duplicate copy of Who’s Who in the DC Universe Apr. 85 Automan thru Blackhawk plane/island and also containing the very 1st character featured here, Big Sir, as well as a shitload of Batman characters.

    1 year ago  /  3 notes

  4. Ugh, where to start? Cap here was weened on “miracle food” by his asshole kraut father so he would become a big, strong aryan fighting machine for Hitler and the Third Reich. Basically, he’s an anti-Captain America. This shit is a super soldier serum rip-off. It gives him super strength, speed, agility and intelligence. He can also inhale a flight gas so he can fly around like the Hindenburg. Hitler gives this uber-mensch  a rank and calls him, “Captain Nazi.” Brilliant. The lack of imagination in the naming process here is nauseating. So, he ends up serving as the arch-nemesis of, wait for it, Captain Marvel…Jr. Yeah, not the “shazam!” dude, but the lamer, younger sidekick of the demi-god. Once again, DC refuses to let these old shitty characters die. He’s appeared in modern comics as recently as 2006. Luckily the most recent incarnation of the captain was renamed, Fourth Reich. Eh, better than nothing.

    Ugh, where to start? Cap here was weened on “miracle food” by his asshole kraut father so he would become a big, strong aryan fighting machine for Hitler and the Third Reich. Basically, he’s an anti-Captain America. This shit is a super soldier serum rip-off. It gives him super strength, speed, agility and intelligence. He can also inhale a flight gas so he can fly around like the Hindenburg. Hitler gives this uber-mensch  a rank and calls him, “Captain Nazi.” Brilliant. The lack of imagination in the naming process here is nauseating. So, he ends up serving as the arch-nemesis of, wait for it, Captain Marvel…Jr. Yeah, not the “shazam!” dude, but the lamer, younger sidekick of the demi-god. Once again, DC refuses to let these old shitty characters die. He’s appeared in modern comics as recently as 2006. Luckily the most recent incarnation of the captain was renamed, Fourth Reich. Eh, better than nothing.

    1 year ago  /  10 notes

  5. Ok, to be fair, this dude is kind of a badass and a pretty cool conceptual character, he just has a very matter of fact/dumb name. To answer any questions about this guy, let me tell about Space Cabbie. He’s a cab driver…in space. His fares have included Starman, Superman, and Lobo, who stole his cab and almost got him arrested, by Space Cops, I assume. He is another case of weird ass DC characters who are still used in modern stories. He’s appeared as recently as 2008 and is set to appear in a new 52 series, Threshold.

    Ok, to be fair, this dude is kind of a badass and a pretty cool conceptual character, he just has a very matter of fact/dumb name. To answer any questions about this guy, let me tell about Space Cabbie. He’s a cab driver…in space. His fares have included Starman, Superman, and Lobo, who stole his cab and almost got him arrested, by Space Cops, I assume. He is another case of weird ass DC characters who are still used in modern stories. He’s appeared as recently as 2008 and is set to appear in a new 52 series, Threshold.

    1 year ago  /  23 notes

  6. Where to start with this guy? Dr. Psycho is actually a pretty sad case. This dude was spurned by the ladies his entire life. Understandable, considering he was an impish guy with a gigantic head and bug eyes. So he becomes an evil scientist and figures out how to draw ecto-plasm from the living and create a physical, attractive phantom body to pick up chicks in. He spends millions of dollars in heists and challenges Gods, like Mars, in his attempts to get his weird dick wet, or fingerblast Wonder Woman. Fuck this dude. It’s Saturday. Let’s party. 

    Where to start with this guy? Dr. Psycho is actually a pretty sad case. This dude was spurned by the ladies his entire life. Understandable, considering he was an impish guy with a gigantic head and bug eyes. So he becomes an evil scientist and figures out how to draw ecto-plasm from the living and create a physical, attractive phantom body to pick up chicks in. He spends millions of dollars in heists and challenges Gods, like Mars, in his attempts to get his weird dick wet, or fingerblast Wonder Woman. Fuck this dude. It’s Saturday. Let’s party. 

    1 year ago  /  2 notes

  7. Jesus christ. Meet The Calculator. This asshole has an oversized TI-83 strapped to his chest. Just by looking at it, I think most cellphones have more calculating capabilities. That thing has like, what, a dozen buttons on it? Let’s see, what other powers does he have… “a head piece that emits a ‘hard light’ able to turn light into any physical object, similar to Green Lantern’s ring.” Wait, what the fuck? That’s your fucking power, dude! That is something to brand a villain after, yet they decided to run with “The Calculator?” It’s obvious that after reverse engineering this character with a stupid gimmick, the writers realized how fucking lame he was and then gave him way better powers. It would be like creating a guy called “The Walkman” who can produce low level sounds with some crazy device, and oh yeah, he can punch through walls. Lazy bullshit. This guy is another one of these villains that has been re-imagined and is still a player in the modern DCU. Just awful.

    Jesus christ. Meet The Calculator. This asshole has an oversized TI-83 strapped to his chest. Just by looking at it, I think most cellphones have more calculating capabilities. That thing has like, what, a dozen buttons on it? Let’s see, what other powers does he have… “a head piece that emits a ‘hard light’ able to turn light into any physical object, similar to Green Lantern’s ring.” Wait, what the fuck? That’s your fucking power, dude! That is something to brand a villain after, yet they decided to run with “The Calculator?” It’s obvious that after reverse engineering this character with a stupid gimmick, the writers realized how fucking lame he was and then gave him way better powers. It would be like creating a guy called “The Walkman” who can produce low level sounds with some crazy device, and oh yeah, he can punch through walls. Lazy bullshit. This guy is another one of these villains that has been re-imagined and is still a player in the modern DCU. Just awful.

    1 year ago  /  3 notes

  8. Have a seat. Take a look at Vartox there. Pretty silly, huh? Those boots, vest & mustache would make Freddie Mercury blush. What if i told you he was from the Sombrero Galaxy? Ridiculous, right? It gets better. His life is a tragic and lame epic, highlights of which include numerous failed relationships and dead wives, wrongful incarceration, the explosion of his homeworld, shitty job as a security officer, and talking Power Girl into entering a fertility chamber and successfully impregnanting every female on the planet Valeron with a “pregno-ray”.

Now here’s what floored me. Take a look at this dudes powers. The motherfucker is Superman. Invunerability, super strength, super speed, flight, intergalactic flight, pass through walls, seemingly unlimited supply of energy projectiles from every orifice including, one time, his foot, hyper-senses, hyper-body(wtf?), hypnotic powers, super breath, transform himself into pure hyper-energy, mind control, teleportation, telekinesis, frost powers, heat vision, magnetic powers, and, oh yeah, he’s a scientific genius and inventor. They gave this goofy bastard every fucking power imaginable at the time! He’s actually better than Supes. Mind control! And yet, this is the first I’ve heard of him. How can you be so powerful and so lame? Where did you go so wrong, Vartox?

    Have a seat. Take a look at Vartox there. Pretty silly, huh? Those boots, vest & mustache would make Freddie Mercury blush. What if i told you he was from the Sombrero Galaxy? Ridiculous, right? It gets better. His life is a tragic and lame epic, highlights of which include numerous failed relationships and dead wives, wrongful incarceration, the explosion of his homeworld, shitty job as a security officer, and talking Power Girl into entering a fertility chamber and successfully impregnanting every female on the planet Valeron with a “pregno-ray”.

    Now here’s what floored me. Take a look at this dudes powers. The motherfucker is Superman. Invunerability, super strength, super speed, flight, intergalactic flight, pass through walls, seemingly unlimited supply of energy projectiles from every orifice including, one time, his foot, hyper-senses, hyper-body(wtf?), hypnotic powers, super breath, transform himself into pure hyper-energy, mind control, teleportation, telekinesis, frost powers, heat vision, magnetic powers, and, oh yeah, he’s a scientific genius and inventor. They gave this goofy bastard every fucking power imaginable at the time! He’s actually better than Supes. Mind control! And yet, this is the first I’ve heard of him. How can you be so powerful and so lame? Where did you go so wrong, Vartox?

    1 year ago  /  7 notes

  9. Like most of the characters featured here, I’ve never heard of Captain Boomerang. But here’s what I found interesting. He is a major Flash villain. He is still used in modern DC continuity, and his outfit and powers have barely changed! The only thing that they’ve bothered to change, is that they gave him an Australian accent in the 80’s, presumably to capitalize on the Crocodile Dundee craze of the time.
As one would guess, this guy is an ace with a boomerang, and he has gimmick ‘rangs that explode, or are really sharp. That’s it. You couldn’t rob a fucking 7-11 with that skill set. But, in the DCU, the Captain here knocked out the Flash, the fastest man in the universe, basically a god, by chucking a goddamn boomerang at his head. Fuck you, DC.

    Like most of the characters featured here, I’ve never heard of Captain Boomerang. But here’s what I found interesting. He is a major Flash villain. He is still used in modern DC continuity, and his outfit and powers have barely changed! The only thing that they’ve bothered to change, is that they gave him an Australian accent in the 80’s, presumably to capitalize on the Crocodile Dundee craze of the time.

    As one would guess, this guy is an ace with a boomerang, and he has gimmick ‘rangs that explode, or are really sharp. That’s it. You couldn’t rob a fucking 7-11 with that skill set. But, in the DCU, the Captain here knocked out the Flash, the fastest man in the universe, basically a god, by chucking a goddamn boomerang at his head. Fuck you, DC.

    1 year ago  /  5 notes

  10. Garfield Lynn worked in the theater as the lighting technician, and had the great idea to use his skills to fake a fire on stage so he could pick pocket the crowd as they exited.This has to be the worst idea ever. Why not just do it when they are making a break for intermission instead of running for their lives from an elaborate and costly illusion? Whatever. Batman shows up to bust him, but confuses a firefly for Lynn’s cherry on his cigarette, giving him the idea for his new identity as the Firefly. Hold the fuck up. Batman, the world’s greatest detective, mistakes a bug for a cigarette butt? Just who the hell thought that was a plausible story?
Ugh, it looks like this asshat has a fairly extensive history. After crisis, they gave this guy a pyromaniac streak instead of using lighting effects for crime, because that shit stinks of bad scooby-doo episodes. Well, here’s another awful entry into the growing collection of terrible batman villains.

    Garfield Lynn worked in the theater as the lighting technician, and had the great idea to use his skills to fake a fire on stage so he could pick pocket the crowd as they exited.This has to be the worst idea ever. Why not just do it when they are making a break for intermission instead of running for their lives from an elaborate and costly illusion? Whatever. Batman shows up to bust him, but confuses a firefly for Lynn’s cherry on his cigarette, giving him the idea for his new identity as the Firefly. Hold the fuck up. Batman, the world’s greatest detective, mistakes a bug for a cigarette butt? Just who the hell thought that was a plausible story?

    Ugh, it looks like this asshat has a fairly extensive history. After crisis, they gave this guy a pyromaniac streak instead of using lighting effects for crime, because that shit stinks of bad scooby-doo episodes. Well, here’s another awful entry into the growing collection of terrible batman villains.

    1 year ago  /  2 notes